Ajisat´s questionle life choices

I think one of the things that people around me don´t know is that i am quite insecure about myself, that i always doubt myself, that i hate being photographed not because i don´t like camera, but because i hate my looks (even tho people say i am beautiful and sometimes i have better days and feel pretty, mostly i don´t). I always try to act like i don´t care about this but deep down i feel like i´m drowning.

I also have an handicap and have numerous scars all over my right leg from surgeries, and i was told to cover it my whole life, even now when i feel more confident to wear shorts and skirts, knowing it´s not my fault i still get comments from family that perhaps i should cover my legs on the first dates etc.

Sometimes i wish everything was different in my life. I know people have it worse all around the world, but does it really mean i have to be happy and not wanting more for myself?

Despise 11 surgeries, sacrificing my childhood to grow up fast to help with my siblings while my abusive father made our life hell, despise my teacher at 2nd grade hated me so much she destroyed my grades (she liked one kid in whole class so basically whole class suffered) and made me hate school, failures, always in pain during walking because surgery didn´t went that well and it took a year until it healed completely, hating shoe shopping, because i have to buy two pairs of boots cuz of difference in size and usually not being able to find matches, i´m not giving up, because i know i am strong and i have no other choice but to stand tall and i want to have more, i want to be more to be someone someday.

I also have several things that are good. I have a best friend i can count on since childhood, i get to learn several languages as an immigrant, i get to study, i got a bachelor degree and currently attending the best university in Prague (Charles University) also pushing second school of diplomatic academy for my MPA so i can work in that field. And i WANT MORE! I want, when on my last day of life, to not regret my life, i want to be someone people will learn from and i want to love myself.

I always laugh at the things that happened to me, perhaps because my mind use humor as defense mechanism or maybe because i´m Slavic and we say that depressions are for rich.

In know i wrote this chaotically but that is what life can be, it´s challenging, it can be total mess, it can be painful but it can have great moments, good memories and can contain a lifelong friendships.

The point of this post is not to complain that i had it hard or not, but that we all deserve to want more in our lives, because if we stop wanting more and dreaming hard we can never expect to evolve and get better that generations before us. So i hope you will always want more and will do your best for it.

Ajisat